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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Why?

Those whom have followed this blog, thanks so much!!  It's strange to log in after months of not checking in and seeing so many people checking out the blog.  This tells me that interest in swinging and the poly lifestyle is growing.  Just read a great article on Livescience.com 5 myths of polyarmory.  If you get a chance check it out.  Many of the things they discuss in the article our true in my case.

Where to start is the real question.  Since I last updated you I mentioned that we are not the "crazy" swingers any longer.  Yes, we still go to swinging parties for social reasons, however, we're pretty happy in most cases with our stable relationship with our lovers.  I still get asked questions from time to time by my vanilla (monogamous) friends that know our situation.  They always are curious as to "Why"?

Why is a great question, one that even we've asked one another.  A few months ago my lover told her parents about our relationship(s), she was worried about how they'd react, but not surprisingly they handled it very well.  I think the hardest thing for her to let go inside herself is the conventional question most people ask, "Why would you do this?".

That's not always an easy answer and personally I don't think it needs one.  The cliche answer is "It just is", but in reality there are always reasons we do things in our lives.  Happiness, passion, comfort, companionship, intellectual stimulation, growth and change.  Each one of has different reasons.  I'm not sure why the four of us were ultimately drawn together. Maybe it was the excitement of not being put into a mold that society had told us we need to be.

I can't speak for my other three companions, but I will state that this has been one of the hardest but most enlightening experiences of my life.  It also may have saved my primary relationship, my marriage of over 18 years. Yes, finding a passion and love in another woman's arms may have saved my marriage.  What a poly amorous relationship does do is strip away the pretenses.  It forces you to be what you are inside and situations that will occur within the dynamic relationship will cause these emotional "flaws" to surface.  Everything you pretend to be is thrown back in your face, the raw emotion you have to wrestle with will destroy or refine you.  We've seen other couples in the swinging lifestyle and other poly relationships fall apart.  Honestly, there is no guarantee ever in any relationship, poly or monogamous.  So we've each grown into more loving and more honest lovers, friends and partners.

Again, why would I do this?  It's a great question, one that could take me hours to tell you.  But the only answer that matters - "LOVE".   Sure, it may sound like a cop out, but really it boils down to that word and the amazing array of emotions it encompasses.  I've learned more about love, what it means, how it applies to others and myself in two years then in the previous 41.  Even this past month has been an amazing journey, I've finally fallen in love with the most important person of all in my life... ME.

I'm not going to relate every nuance of my feelings for my wife or my lover, but I will share the "why".  I think you can find this "Why" in any relationship, gay, straight, poly, or monogamous.  Why the four of us ended up together, as different as we are, well that's the great mystery, but I'm not going to waste time worrying.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Should I or shouldn't I

Trying to decide what to do with the blog.  It's been almost a year since I posted an update.  My life has changed in many ways, but in others it has remained the same.  I'm still married (to some of you that may seem a shock), I'm still happily in a relationship with lovers, whom we will be celebrating two years together this October.  I've been through a lot the past year, changed a great deal.

I was at dinner the other night with my girlfriend.  I was relaying a story about my wife talking to her brother about swinging.  My wife wanted to show him this blog, but I advised her that I should review it before he perused it.  Especially with her Mormon family, the "tell all" nature of the blog would probably do more harm then good.  Her brother is no longer Mormon, but some of our experiences were a little "Hot" for his consumption.  My girlfriend also isn't a "tell all" type of woman.  She always felt uncomfortable reading about herself in my blog posts.  I've lived up to my promise to not blog about our sexual experiences for the past two years and I'll always keep that promise.

What I'm trying to figure out though is what to do with the blog now.  As I think about it, there are so many experiences that I've had the past years that may or may not be helpful to other swingers or polys.  Therefore I'm going to keep this old blog around for a while longer.  I'll post when I feel the urge, but it will mostly be about relationship questions, issues, resolutions.  If you are looking for sexual stories, check out Swinglifestyle Stories, I love that sight when I'm in the mood for some erotic swinger stimulation.

As for swinging, I guess my wife and I have put that side of our life on a long hiatus. We still go to parties, but they are not the same.  My wife did go through a period where she was losing interest in the parties due to the STD we contracted, but over time she missed some of our friends we made in the lifestyle and we've been able to keep contact.  Sometimes we take our lovers to the parties and then we participate but only with one another.  I will admit there has been some light kissing, touching of breasts, maybe an occasional cock squeeze, but nothing more.  The idea of passing something to someone does bother us, though I don't see the same consternation among the swinging population in our area.

Our focus has been mostly on our regular lives.  Like everyone, the financial pressures of today's world have been felt by us.  We've had to reduce what we spend, work a lot harder for less, and be much more selective in our adventures.  Even so, we've been to Hawaii, we've run 1/2 marathons, I swam a 2.5 mile race last year in Vegas.  We've also developed our relationships with our lovers and have been through some rocky patches our self the last year.  It's almost felt like a refiners fire in some ways.

What we've done with our lovers has been short of a miracle in some ways.  The emotional issues you have to deal with inside yourself, in your primary relationship and with your lover has been one of the toughest challenges of my life.  Along with the stress has come some of the most touching and loving moments of my life as well.  Learning to love unselfishly is not easy!  It's probably one of the hardest challenges that I've ever taken on in my life.  Letting go of a lot of shit from the past, letting go of the shit inside my head, it's been the fight of my life.  Seeing myself change and become a better human being has been one result of this experience.  Learning to listen, to understand, to get out of my own head, to not make it about me all the time, each one of these issues I've struggled with and now I'm making progress.

Still with every challenge I meet head on, there are more that I need to tackle.  This journey is far from over, in some ways it feels like it's just started.  The four of us share a special love that is unique and difficult to quantify to the world.  I'm not going to talk about that in the future.  This update was to assure those whom have cared about us that life is good and this has been for the betterment of whom we all.

In the future, I'm going to stick to specific issues, such as jealousy, dealing with inner demons, loving ones self, over coming shyness.  I'm also going to address some of the mistakes I've made and what I've found has changed my outlook and has made me that better friend, lover, husband.  I'm going to mainly talk only about my experiences, my partners deserve their privacy and again, I'm reluctant now to open up about them.  So I'm going to walk a fine line and hopefully have some fun with this again.  I just hope some of you will be patient, I do have a busy life.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Love without boundaries.. One year mark

Last Sunday Mrs ABC and I marked our one year anniversary with Mr and Mrs Shallow.   Funny I still use those code words for our lovers, but it's only to help those following this blog.  Yes, one year in a relationship that most would consider insane, dangerous, silly, too difficult.. did I miss one?  Seriously, after reading about most poly relationships, I've found that most are doomed from day one.

Mrs Shallow hates it when I refer to this relationship as a poly one.  And deep down, I don't consider it poly actually.   As we were lying in each others arms the other night we were discussing the term poly, and she told me she hated it because it really is just a label and our relationship is more then a silly label.  This is something I've thought about for a while as well and I realized, our relationship is unique to us.  It doesn't fit a stereotype or label because it is intimately are own.

However, labels sometimes are needed for those outside the relationship, and it's difficult at times defining what we are to others.   It's still difficult feeling comfortable telling others about our relationship, though we feel it is natural as any relationship we've had with others in our life.  I think that's why Mrs Shallow (see another label) is unwilling to call it "poly".  I think she does not wish to cheapen the relationship with a term that some look at as weird or strange.  Though I feel some people do not view that word the same, the problem is a majority of Americans would and do consider what we're doing as weird or crazy.

Most prejudice originates from fear and the lack of knowledge.  The problem with most Americans is they have been indoctrinated at church and in our homes that "different" isn't always a good thing.  But over the past 30 years diversity and celebrating difference is now considered a good thing by the secular world.  The whole Gay Marriage debate is a clash of traditional home style values and secular progression.   But then again, why do we have to take sides?  Why can't we adopt what we want from each side and call it a day?

When I look at our relationship with our lovers and I'm sure they may see similar qualities in us.  They are a lot like us in many ways.  Conservative in some area's politically, from similar socio-economic backgrounds.  We were a little different in terms of religious belief, but we do hold a number of traditional values as well.   The difference is we have sex with more then one partner!  I know.. it's so horrible to the religious world we often come from, but strange enough we're still upstanding citizens.  We still pay our taxes, we still push our children to excel in school.  No we haven't turned into crack addicted addicts roaming the streets!

What we simply enjoy together is a deep and quiet love for one another.  One that has grown and developed over the past year.  A love that maybe complicated at times, but also something that has brought us all great joy and happiness.  I remember on my religious mission, how I'd tell investigators that the sign that something is from God is that it would bear "fruit" of happiness, peace and joy.  Well, I've felt that joy and happiness, from the intimate embraces of my lover, to enjoying the friendship now I have with her spouse, to the feelings of family we share when they spend the weekend with my wife and our family (our kids).  So God or no God, the simple truth is that we are HAPPY.  Is it perfect.. of course not, but what is ever perfect.

Some wonder if it's about sex.  It hasn't been about sex for sometime for me.  It's been about creating a new relationship, with all it's challenges and complexities.  It's been about harvesting the fruits of that relationship and finding out what love is all about.  I'm looking forward to the next year and what it may bring.  One thing I have learned though, you have to take everything one day at a time.  That's what I love most about this relationship, no promises, no expectations.  But I do know that everyone in this relationship has enjoyed the sublime joy and happiness I've mentioned.  It's that happiness that keeps us together, and I hope it motivates us to work out any challenge we may face in the future.  I just love what we have and what we are now.

For those considering this type of lifestyle.  Yes, it is worth it.  Is there a risk of failure? Could you get hurt emotionally ?  Is there a risk of affecting your primary relationships?  The answer of course is YES.  But think about this.. isn't there a risk of that happening anyway?   I'm not advocating that everyone should jump into a relationship like our own, but I wouldn't discourage you from it.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

First real update.. Yes, we have it!

Kind of left it in the air last May, but it's time to come clean.  Yes, my wife and I have contracted HSV2 (Genital Herpes).  It's funny that today I make that announcement, but last night my wife mentioned she maybe having her second outbreak, which I later confirmed examining her.  This one is a lot less painful then the first, but it's the final confirmation that we have this nasty little disease.

So is it the end of our world.. OH HELL NO!!  Hardly.. but it has caused us to reflect on our choices in terms of future swinging experiences.  It hasn't affected our relationship with our  lovers, in fact in some ways it has brought us even closer together.  But it has required us to completely change the way we interact sexually with others in the lifestyle.  In fact we've been celibate in terms of opening up to anyone new.   Most of that is just a satisfaction with what we currently have with our dear friends, but then there is still that itch (pardon the pun) to mingle with new people.  The reality is that responsibly sexual people tell their potential partners that they have an STD.  Mrs ABC had had a number of single men ask if it was possible to get together, but when the subject of STD's are brought up, then it's silence from the other side (which we both understand).  There still have been a couple of guys willing but Mrs ABC is just not in the mode to push it.  So yes, there is a curiosity but not an over whelming need for it at all.  As she put it, she's feeling more then sexually fulfilled at this point and nothing in our swinging adventures ever touched what we have now.

Swinging was always more about the flirting then the sex.  In swinging the "newness" was a turn on to Mrs ABC, because it was almost like the "hunt".  To be honest, I liked flirting as well, especially with someone new that finds you sexy.  In the beginning of our swinging lifestyle, I think I really didn't enjoy it like I could have because of some self image issues with myself, but lately, as I exercise and lose weight, I'm now finding that I'm attractive and sexy in my own way.  Sexy is just a state of mind I'm finding, a way of being, less about how you look naked.

One thing that has bothered me though is the attitude among swingers regarding STD's.  I posted a long forum message about our plight.  Many thought it was brave and to be honest I was nervous doing so.  But the supportive response was appreciated.  The sad truth is it did very little to change most swingers attitudes about playing.  Just read another blog today about Mormon Swingers, it made me realize how naive we were in the beginning of this adventure.  I can't even believe how sad I would have been if our STD had come from some casual mean nothing sexual encounter with another couple.   The fact that we possibly contracted it form someone we love and care about is one thing, but to think we could have picked it up from someone we barely knew, now that would have been a harder pill to swallow.

This last paragraph is to all you experienced, newbie, and potential swingers!!  Read this carefully and think about it.  IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!  Do the research folks and protect yourself.   There should be a warning label that you get at each party anyone attends in the lifestyle.   Warning:  Sex can be dangerous to your health, especially if you do not use proper safe sex practices, such as condoms, dental dams, but even that is not a guarantee that you will not get it from touch as well (See HSV2).


Decided to bring back my blog

I've decided to bring back ABC's of Swinging for the time being.  Reason I took it down were for personal reasons.  A family member had found the blog, and frankly I felt uncomfortable with it out there at that point.  Since then I've decided that what ever my "family' thinks they know is just fine.  This family member that does read this blog is unlikely to tell others, but if she found it then it's just a matter of time before more find out.

One reason I'm bringing it back is that we (Mrs ABC and I) have had a number of profound experiences in our life that merit our sharing them with our small community.  I'm going to take each topic separately so not to diminish it's importance.  As for updates and play by play details of sexual experiences, sorry folks, this "ain't" the place for that type of post.  The biggest reason is for how I view sex.  Though I think I've grown from my Mormon roots in terms of the way I used to view sex, I still view it differently then others, including my wife.

I've also struggled recently as to define who I am within the parameter of swinging.  Am I a swinger, or am I poly, or am I just my own unique brand?  I'm realizing that labels are useless really and often it just is what it is.  Sorry for the cliche but it's the truth in my case.

So apologies to those who read this blog in the past.  This is going to be somewhat different then past posts, though I feel it was headed that way anyway.  This blog was really created as a way to share experiences with others in the lifestyle or looking at the possibility of getting into it.  Hopefully there is something that we share that will help you in that adventure, but do it safely!!